


Law for Beginners

by shiftyking



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: (possible start of AU where no one died), Awkward Breakfasts, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Lister is a well meaning disaster, M/M, Pre series, Referenced Child Abuse, Rimmer is a repressed disaster, adventures in libraries, referenced ED, referenced self harm, workmates to friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24392281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiftyking/pseuds/shiftyking
Summary: Lister is fascinated by Rimmer's past and how little Rimmer speaks of it. After Rimmer mentions something quite big in conversation. Lister and the boys decide to look it up online. Shenanigans ensue.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 35
Kudos: 51





	1. Tidbits

It wasn’t very often that Lister thought about Rimmer’s past. Mainly because his present was pretty damn excruciating to be around at the best of times.He just happened to be a bit of a mystery maybe it was the over the top neatness, the long sleeved shirts even during the hottest times of the year or the hidden letters from his mum. But every time he got a little snippet of his past it was fascinating and often left him feeling sad.

Today’s tidbit was no exception. They were checking the same few vending machines. All fine. Nothing to be done. Just grab the metal fronts, allen key, open, press button a, wait, close metal front. Easy, boring. The two of them could do it in their sleep. Lister had done it completely hung over at least 50 times. (Rimmer could do it blindfolded. Once before Christmas he had proved it) However this time Lister was smoking and Rimmer hadn’t told him off. He was actually listening to his stream of consciousness. Lister often had ideas or topics that came in his head. Selby’s cousin had been arrested on Mimas recently. They all knew each other and Lister was concerned he’d have to go back to the godforsaken place for the court case to be a character witness. He hated courts. “..And they all wear the stupid wigs, you reckon they’d take them off like if you were like nervous or something?” Lister queried concern written all over his face. It’s not that he was scared he was just uncomfortable. Rimmer looked at him as if analysing whether he was joking or not “no you’d be fine Lister I’ve had a court case before they are really nice to you, sometimes they take you to a separate room so you don’t even have to see who you're talking about”. “Oh” Lister was intrigued he needed more “were you in trouble then, stole your brothers favorite monopoly piece was it?”. Rimmer stopped dead “no not that sort of thing it was when I was a child on Io. not important. don’t worry. don’t know why I’d mention it everythings tickety boo”. And for the rest of the shift despite Lister's desperate attempts for conversation all Rimmer talked about was U-bends and pliers and ball bearings. Whilst Lister tried not to notice Rimmer scratching his left arm.

It became an order in his routine that after one of these bizarre factoids would come to life, Lister and the boys would pile into a booth at Parrots and discuss particulars. They almost had a dossier together on Lister’s strange and irritating roommate. They discussed possible reasons for the long sleeves “tatoos big tattoos of like busty women or something” Peterson had suggested. Lister had voted on some sort of scars with the way he itched them and Selby and Chen reluctantly agreed. This was confirmed when Lister saw him asleep when he came in drunk and saw the lines up his arms. He never mentioned it to Rimmer but he told the lads straight away. They had bets riding on certain things about Rimmer too. Peterson had five dollarpounds riding on the fact he was secretly a divorced dad escaping his missus, Selby and Chen both had high stakes on him being gay (“it’s obvious” Chen would say “damn obvious”) and Lister refused to bet at all. Although for the record he agreed with Selby and Chen for more reasons than they knew. 

This time though, as they crammed into the booth with a pint of cheap beer each, they were all strangely engrossed. “Court?” Petersen repeated. “Yep” Lister said between slugs of beer “proper court?” Selby repeated looking fascinated. For the first time in a while Chen piped up “thats bad news that is” he frowned “kids in court they go to seperate rooms to talk about well bad stuff”. If that was meant to put the other three off well it didn’t. Because Lister smiled to himself “this could be fascinating”. Selby spoke up “all court documents are available aren’t they? On the web”. Peterson piped up “yep all of them for all colonies, even though Io is strange I bet their court cases are accessible online”. Chen rolled his eyes “you think we’ll find it that easy?”. Lister started to get up plonking his hat on his head “yeees with the right search you can find anything”. They got up and stumbled to the library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Welcome to my first posted fanfic in this fandom and the first one i've posted on this account. I hope you all enjoy it. Mores coming soon.  
> Which will answer the questions what will Lister and his friends find? How bad is it? and should he be looking it up in the first place?  
> Also comments are appreciated!


	2. Loading Screens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister and his friends get down to the library. What are they going to find?

The library aboard Red Dwarf was massive and grey. Far too big for its own good filled with computers and not nearly enough books. However the computer area was often empty,and had free printing and online access for all levels of staff. Lister had been there before to print off documents and the like. Peterson used it for more..primitive means. 

“Where would it be then?” Lister said logging in whilst putting his feet up on the table. Selby logged on to the one next to him and Peterson just sat on the table between the two, Chen pulled up a chair next to them looking over Lister’s boots. “Which planet’s he from again?” Peterson said producing a hip flask. “Io” Lister confirmed “pass us that”. Peterson passed the flask over “have it I’ve got a few more. After a comical reveal of seven full hip flasks they got to work.

The court systems online database was boring, very small and irritating to go through. It was designed specifically for people to give up searching for things. However it had underestimated just how fascinating finding out about someone you can’t really stand (well maybe not couldn’t stand exactly sometimes Lister didn’t mind Rimmer at all) is after all. 

“Here we go” Selby said “IO child court, you know his full name?”. Lister didn’t pause “Arnold Judas Rimmer”. They all laughed as they quickly did the salute. Chen piped up “Oi thats Second Technician Arnold Judas Rimmer BSC SSC” . This killed them they laughed for quite a while taking occasional swigs from their flasks. The results loaded slowly. By this point Lister had logged out and climbed up next to Peterson watching the screen. “Ok he’s not in the accused side” Selby said quickly “so he didn’t do anything criminal”. Peterson looked disappointed. Chen piped up “well i coulda told you that you goons”. They turned to him looking hurt, Peterson lightly thumped him on the head. “What do ya mean?” Lister said actually fascinated. “Well he said about being in a separate room didn’t he?”. “Yep” Lister confirmed. “So he was the victim, then weren’t he, look on that section then you’ll ruddy find it” Chen said almost fed up with them but not enough to leave.

Selby did some quick typing and Chen moved around the screen. The loading screen felt like it took forever. Then finally one result. “Lads here we go Arnold Judas Rimmer vs Rimmer Family” Selby read triumphant. “Well click on it” Peterson insisted now essentially bouncing up and down. “It’s a print only file” Selby said irritatedly “Do we want just the case notes or the evidence files and statements”. Lister piped up “full thing come on this could be brilliant like Christmas imagine what I could find out, It might make my life far easier”. Chen looked sad “I dunno guys it seems kinda wrong don’t you think?”. They didn’t listen. Selby pressed download to print as Lister ran over to the printer waiting expectantly. “Hey wanna read the summary while it prints”. Peterson nodded “I’ll do it. Here we go IO Child Court Case 3367 Case started when AJR was 13. Ended age 14 and 5 months”. “Jeez thats got some time on it” Selby laughed. Lister looking over and tilting his head as the printer whirred to life. “Ooh there's more” Peterson said “After several hospital stays and cases of broken bones and malnutrition AJR was referred to social workers. Abuse was recorded and the case was brought to trial to protect the child from further damage, oh smeg this is dark, nice knew he had to have a gritty backstory” Peterson said downing the second of his seemingly innumerable hip flasks. “Look I’m sorry lads but this don’t seem right” said Chen “I’m going I don’t like this. It’s wrong see ya tomorrow” And just like that Chen legged it out of the library unsettled by how cruel they seemed to be.

Lister brought the now massive pile of paper back “you what?” He looked shocked “say that last bit again”. Peterson paused “knew he had to have a gri..” Lister interrupted” no you git the bit before”. Peterson regained himself “brought to trial to protect the child from further damage”. Lister sighed holding the document “smeg thats a lot, should we chuck this out?”. Selby started logging out “nah read it through then bin it but not tonight i’m beat”. Peterson laughed “just like Rimmer”. Lister went silent “nah not funny now. I’ll see you lads tomorrow I’ll hide this from him, put it under my pillow or something and bring it to Parrots and we’ll study it tomorrow night”. They all nodded packing themselves up passing the pile of hip flasks back to Peterson.

Lister started the slow trudge back to his and Rimmer’s room, the tome heavy in his arms. He flicked through bits. He saw a page with a picture of a child bruised and way too skinny he was in a hospital bed on a drip. He realised it was definitely Rimmer and read the accompanying statement “Photo of AJR when first admitted to hospital, obvious signs of beating and severe malnutrition. AJR has struggled with food since this concerned of eating too much and not having any for later. Calorie intake under 400 calories. Concerns of ED”. He closed the paper and slunk into the bunkroom glad not for the first time that Rimmer was fast asleep looking almost peaceful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I hope you liked the second chapter. And yes Red Dwarf has a library now. I don't know if it actually does but who cares the ship changes all the time!  
> How is Lister going to act around Rimmer now? Will Rimmer find our what Lister knows. Find out soon!
> 
> Comments welcome


	3. Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After what Lister has found out he's feeling guilty. Rimmer's feeling nervous in general. They are both a little bit of a mess.

Lister quietly toed his boots off, hung up his jacket on his hook (it was just better if he did, Rimmer would hang it up otherwise) and put his hat on top. Then still focused on hiding the document rammed it under his mattress.

He stopped for a moment to look at Rimmer who hadn’t stirred at all. After all he was used to Lister sneaking in late. He’d even stopped lecturing him on good sleeping patterns mainly because it's not like Rimmer had them either. Some nights he was fine but on the run up to an exam.Lister couldn’t bear to think of it. But there he was fast asleep, in his white pyjama shirt the only thing he seemed to own that had short sleeves. The same cuts on his arm with one looking newer than the rest. Lister didn’t think about it. He couldn’t bear to know, he was starting to understand his irritating roommate. What he needed was a good night's sleep.

The next morning life seemed almost normal. Rimmer was getting ready, trying to tame his morning hair which tended to take at least 10 minutes and Lister was trying to act as non suspicious as possible. Which turned out to be strangely difficult. Mainly because he kept sneaking glances at his mattress hoping that Rimmer hadn’t noticed anything strange.

Rimmer had noticed something strange and it was mainly how Lister was being less of an arsehole than usual. He was being nice, he’d hung up his coat and hat,he’d snuck in quietly last night, he was proud. All his hard work was paying off. He decided the best plan to keep this going was to be nicer to him. He’d made them both tea and passed Lister his cereal politely.

Lister was now concerned, the niceness was near killing him. He almost wanted to swear at Rimmer just to turn things back to normal. It really wasn’t helping him with his sense of guilt at all. He reasoned to himself that it was public information and he hadn’t really read it last night so it was probably fine.

“So uh Rimmer how you doing?” He said hesitantly, the way someone might speak to a lion that had just mauled someone. Rimmer looked up from his copy of “War: What It’s Good For” and answered equally tentatively “yes good thanks, you?”. The conversation continued equally nervously before Lister piped up “you know IO?”. Rimmer looked at him “quite well yes” humouring him just for the sake of conversation plus it took a while for his cereal to really soak in the milk to the perfect point of niceness (Rimmer may not have had many vices but cereal may have been one). “What’s it like?” Lister had always been fascinated by some of the Earth colonies especially the nutty ones and if there was one thing Io was famous for it was being totally bizarre and backwards. The height of scientific and military advancement and draconian in terms of laws and lifestyle. Women wore skirts, Men wore suits and the nuclear family was a man and a woman thank you very much and at least two children. “I don’t have much to compare it to” Rimmer said quietly.

“Oh I heard its quite..” Lister said hinting at something he wasn’t sure of. Rimmer interrupted getting louder and angrier “its not somewhere i'll ever go back to let's put it that way and I know you might think that means you’d like it but they’d kick you out pretty quickly just like me. It’s a nasty place Lister I wouldn't even bloody think about it” and just like that Rimmer itched his arm again and Lister stopped dead from his thought process reaching across the table to still Rimmer’s arm. “Look man don’t worry about it, it’s alright some places in the galaxy are shitholes”.

Rimmer shook him off and put his hand down on the table after cringing at the language then stood up and threw his cereal into the washing up bowl. He was no longer hungry. “We’ve got things to do” He said in a way he hoped was declaratively but was actually just a bit pathetic sounding.

Lister looked at him sadly and finished his cereal chucking it on the side to wash up later (or never or when Rimmer could no longer cope with the mould infesting it so he did it himself). “Ok then but your not that bad yer know” he said patting Rimmer on the shoulder giving him a sort of half hug before going ahead of him out of the door.

Rimmer stood there for a moment. Unsure of what to do, unable to compute Lister being nice. Lister must be hinting at something. Maybe he’d said too much yesterday. His brain filled with a thousand what ifs and past insults (and if he wasn’t lying to himself which he was maybe just maybe he was thinking ever so slightly about how Lister being nice to him made him feel). He left the room deciding that he would just talk about work and never slip up again, repressing everything as far as humanly possible and going to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Guys I hope you liked this chapter. As you can see they are starting to get closer now.  
> Comments always welcome!


	4. Truce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister and Rimmer continue to tiptoe around each other and Lister starts to be more protective. Lister and the boys continue to find out more about what happened with Rimmer.

During their shift, which passed surprisingly quickly, they had split objectives. Rimmer’s was to be as professional as possible and to never mention anything about himself ever again except things that he felt weren’t in any way incriminating. Lister’s was to not feel too guilty as he hadn’t read the whole thing and to try and be nice without being weird. The two of them weren’t exactly failing their objectives but they weren’t necessarily doing well.

It was during their mandatory 20 minute break that things started sliding very badly. Rimmer hadn’t eaten and Lister who had for a while now been taking extra snacks from the vending machines. “Look at least have one” Lister said proffering 4 different bar shaped foods at Rimmer who looked at him both sadly and slightly disgusted. His usual face when Lister was doing something he didn’t approve of. “I should report you for stealing” he drawled both of them knowing full well that he won’t. “Oh come on, look you didn’t eat breakfast and I even nicked this one specially for you” Lister looked at him pleadingly, revealing from one of his snack filled pockets the tiniest most boring cereal bars known to man. He hated them and thought they tasted like cardboard but he knew that if any of the pilfered treats were going to work it would be these. Rimmer rolled his eyes “will it shut you up if I take it?” he enquired. “If you eat it yes” Lister stated. 

At the start of them working together Rimmer would not have under any circumstances have accepted. But this time he did, eating it slowly whilst Lister proceeded to eat four chocolate bars at once. Rimmer thought to himself he needed to find a suitable way to discourage this from ever happening again ,quietly lightly scratching his left arm through his shirt, then finally after what felt like a rather long silence “Lister don’t mention me not eating ever again, it’s not your business”. And just like that the air went cold. 

However if there's one thing Lister had got used to it was how cold Rimmer could be “course not” Lister said kindly “we all forget things sometimes, you know your gonna ruin your shirt if you keep doing that”. Which led to them doing the rest of their shift in what Lister considered almost a companionable silence. Rimmer spent most of the time trying to come up with a comeback however this was because Rimmer was panicking. Very quietly and doing his job well (or as well as he could) during it but panicking nonetheless. 

Finally after worlds longest silence their shift ended and they went back to their bunkroom. “I’m off to parrots” Lister chimed and when he thought Rimmer wasn’t looking he reached up and took the pile of paper from under the mattress tucked it under his shoulder and walked away.

Rimmer sat down on the edge of his bed relieved and just the slightest bit worried. Lister had been watching him. Lister had noticed how he acted and that could only lead to trouble. What if Lister told someone up the ranks.What if Lister was being nice to him because he felt sorry for him? Or worse what if Lister wasn’t actually being nice to him but was actually going to blackmail him alongside the higher ups.They could bully him or worse he could lose his job and then where would he go? He had no clue. Nothing,nada, zilch. Not even a place on any planet he could hang his metaphorical hat for five minutes. In that moment he felt totally alone and thats because he was.

Meanwhile in Parrots Lister was the opposite of alone. Surrounded by his motley crew of friends and at least 2 full pint glasses each the hefty tome of paper in the middle on the table like a present. Chen had turned up but he was still uneasy, in fact everyone except Peterson was uneasy but with enough beer down them to drown a duck they felt they had the courage to read what was now being dubbed “the document of doom”. 

“So we gonna keep staring at it or shall we crack this bad boy open?” Peterson slurred declaratively. “Yeh go on then, you start” Lister replied. And so it began, the four of them felt they were studying it like ancient scholars did with scrolls except the ancient scholars probably weren’t as drunk or covered in pork scratching crumbs.They had just started finishing off the introductory notes “Ooh heres something not too legally we’ve finally got to things, that make sense” Selby said clearly “AJR’s 3 brothers have refused to testify and despite showing similar signs of abuse will not cooperate with the case”. 

Chen put his hands on it and spoke up“look guys this seems really wrong, really wrong, I get we like to take the mick of him but this feels worse than normal”. He took his hands off it and looked sheepish. Lister looked over at him “lets just see what happens noones asking you to write on it, Chen although I think we should skip to the evidence pictures”. At this point Peterson piped “Holy smeg theres been pictures this entire time!” They laughed loudly, Chen still looking uncomfortable but not leaving and flipped to what Lister had seen the previous night and then the laughter stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.   
> I feel really mean in this one but don't worry niceness is coming I promise!  
> I'm hope you are still enjoying this. 
> 
> I read the feedback on the last one so I've done a bit more on this one to make it easier to read. 
> 
> Comments always welcome!


	5. Small Crimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys realise this has gone too far. Rimmer's alone. Lister and Rimmer have a talk.

“Holy smeg” Peterson said breaking the silence. The rest of them stared at the picture. Then the others. Pages and pages of pictures of an injured boy with big eyes and curly hair interspersed with family photos of three tall skinny children and one more with bruises and two smug strict looking parents staring at the camera. It was too much. Enough to make them feel sick to their stomachs. Chen reached over and closed the document. “This stops now, this is so wrong” he declared. “I agree man, this ain’t funny anymore Rimmer’s not well really not at the moment and this ain’t gonna help him” Lister piped up. “Selby nodded but Peterson spoke up“since when did you give a smeg about him? he’s a git” and then sat back in his chair looking smug. 

A pause went over the group. They could tell Lister was getting angry, Chen looked angry as well and Selby stayed quiet. “Does it matter if he’s a git or not?, He didn’t deserve that” Lister shouted angrily at Peterson before dumping the end of his beer on Peterson’s head, scooping up the document and leaving. He stopped briefly “you coming or what you smegheads” and selby and Chen followed him quietly. Peterson sat there for a second before rolling up a cigarette, lighting it and following them slowly. 

“What we gonna do then?” Selby inquired quietly. “We burn it” Lister replied quickly. “Chuck it out the airlock” Chen said. “I like Lister’s plan burn it” Peterson shouted from where he was as threw over the lighter to or at Lister (no one was sure but Lister caught it anyway which made the point moot). “You gonna stop being a git” Lister said cautiously. ”yeh maybe” Peterson replied. “The real question is what we do with what info we have”. The others looked at him cautiously.

“What do you mean?” Lister said tearing the first page of the document and chucking it in the nearest bin. The others set to work balling the rest up and stuffing it in the same bin with Chen occasionally looking over. “I mean his family must have cut him off and got that smeg hidden as deep as possible to not get any time for it, that means they don’t want people knowing about yer roommate. So why not cause ‘em a bit of pain?” Peterson replied smugly. “Brutal” Lister exclaimed. Peterson poured a hipflask of cheap Mimiasian whisky onto the bin. Lister dropped the lighter into it and it went up like a flame. 

“What ya doing dudes” Holly popped up on the screen. “Tell no one hol” Lister stage whispered.”right-o, fire on 13th floor E” Holly stated blankly. “Leg it meet ya in the library tomorrow. The plan begins!” Lister shouted at the others and they all ran different ways down the corridor. Leaving the bin lit like a candle and the contents firmly destroyed. 

Rimmer was still sitting quietly in his bunk now with blood dripping down his arm, staring into nothing as Lister ran in. Lister shucked his jacket and hung it, threw his hat on the hook (it was instinctive at this point) and whispered loudly (he was drunker than he thought) “Door lock”. The door locked with a satisfying thunk and as Lister turned he took in what was going on. Rimmer for his part, bleeding, sad and confused was staring now at him wide eyed. Trying to yank down his shirt sleeve leaving blood going through it. They stayed in this impasse for almost a minute before Lister broke it.

He strode confidently towards Rimmer (possibly too confidently) “what ya do that for?” he enquired before sitting next to him on the bottom bunk. Rimmer replied, unsettled and trying to hold on to the last fibers of his pride “Morris dancing practice accident”. “Riiight” Lister drawled “the same accidents that make you not eat as well”. Rimmer stared at him shaking with fear “look Listy I don’t know what your trying here but I will not stand for it” he declared in a very nervous non declarative voice. “Oh Rimmer” Lister responded kindly “I ain’t trying anything I’m worried about ya,ya smegger”. Rimmer stared at him and collapsed into tears while Lister scooped him up into a hug. 

“Hey” Lister consoled him softly ”whats this about?”. “Nothing thats important” Rimmer snuffled quietly. “Well it seems important to me” Lister consoled still with an armful of crying man. “It’s like you said” Rimmer whispered “some planets are shitholes”. 

“Ah, this has to do with that court thing you mentioned don’t it” Lister enquired. “Yes I guess it does” Rimmer said unpeeling himself from Listers grasp to sit next to him studying his face as if deciding if it was safe to speak “reason i’m here, reason why I have no home to go to, reason why I am how I am ‘spose you should blame the judge”. 

Lister put a hand on Rimmer’s leg “well I for one am glad your here man, whatevers happened i’m here for you I swear, and whoever hurt you, tell me where they are and i’ll find ‘em and i’ll dunno what I’ll do something and it won’t be nice” Lister explained staring at Rimmer. 

“Well it wouldn’t be hard to find them, my parents live in the same house they kicked me out of” Rimmer laughed sadly. “Your parents? ” Lister affirmed trying to act as if he’d never heard this before. Rimmer replied almost monotone “yes, Mr and Mrs Rimmer, My existence pisses them off Listy, It;s the only reason I continue to”

At that Lister stared him in the eye sadly closing the gap between them “I hope that ain’t true”. “Well maybe not now” Rimmer said shyly trying to get away from Listers gaze.  
At that Lister leaned, maybe he was just drunk maybe he just felt guilty but he knew at that moment it was the perfect time to kiss Rimmer. He felt him still and wondered how bad things would get between them before Rimmer kissed back earnestly. Lister pushed him back on the bed. They weren’t on a shift tomorrow they had all the time in the world.

A knock was on the door and a slurred voice said outside “Oy Listy, Gotta plan for tomorrow we’ve all pulled a sicky alright meet you here yeah later, don’t tell ‘im mind”. Peterson walked away. Lister didn’t reply he just looked at Rimmer and told himself he had to tell Rimmer the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so the beginning of some fluff. I swear this will end well.  
> Also I hope you liked Holly popping up!  
> Comments always welcome!


	6. Cuddles Make it better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer and Lister finally sort themselves out

Rimmer sat up a bit. “Do I want to know what you and that cretin are up to?” before he put a hand back on Lister’s face. Lister looked him dead in the eye“I need to have a really important conversation with you, one that you’ll hate”. Rimmer’s hand retracted off his face with a look of horror.

“Oh smeg this was a joke wasn’t it” Rimmer said quietly, sadly before moving himself away to the back of the bunk. Tucking himself away as if willing himself to go into hibernation. Lister put a hand on him calmly and Rimmer backed away even further. 

“No rimmer it wasn’t a joke, I swear” Lister began he took a deep breath “I looked up your court case ok.. Me and the lads did and once we worked out how bad it was well..we felt awful..we all did but me the most because I wouldn’t want anyone to hurt you I swear. If you want me to leave I’ll go and sleep on the floor of Selby and Chen’s they won’t mind i’ve done it before. I’ll go if you want but please say something”. 

Rimmer looked at him as if assessing the situation, quietly and cautiously he spoke up “all your little friends know?” he questioned. “Yeah” Lister replied sadly “but we all felt awful ‘bout it once we understood it ...well eventually. we won’t tell anyone and we were gonna come up with a plan to get back at the people that hurt ya, thats why Peterson was here I swear”. 

Rimmer considered this for a minute. His face showed all the cogs in his brain working overtime. Some of the cogs in his brain were just screaming that everything had come out but other bits pondered on Lister and who knew and strangely he felt reassured. He unstuck himself a bit from his bunk leaning into Lister’s arm around him. Lister scooped him up into a big cuddle.

“Right then, you’ll need to know your enemy a bit. My family is quite nasty whatever your planning be aware my brothers are all high up in the space corps and so is my uncle” Rimmer stated matter of factly.

“So you forgive me” Lister said tentatively as if he didn’t want to know the answer. “I’m actually surprised no ones looked it up before” Rimmer said sadly “thats the thing with legal cases they end up following you forever, you have to leave the bloody planet to avoid being known as that weird Ionian kid who divorced his parents”.

Lister felt Rimmer’s head against his chest and suddenly felt the safest he’d ever been. He also felt the most right he’d ever been like despite the situation and despite everything this was meant to happen and was probably the best thing that had happened for a while. “I’m sorry they did that to you you know, the pictures I mean jesus Rimmer you’ve been through some smeg”. Rimmer looked at him “pictures?” and then spoke again “oh crap the evidence pictures I think I can get those taken down I never got round to it because I’d have to review them and I don’t really want to see them again”.

“What if I help with that, me and the boys are getting your parents back somehow. Even if it's just prank calling them every day until they die, what if we left Petersen, Selby, and Chen to do what they do best and I help you get the pictures taken down, It’s the least I can do” Lister suggested kindly. 

Rimmer looked up at him “I think” he said with almost a smile on his face “that might help me forgive you”. “Oh might it” Lister drawled and just like that he suddenly had an armful of curly haired Ionian snogging his face off which he very much approved of.

Selby, Chen and Peterson could wait for the morning or possibly mid afternoon. That night was just for Lister and Rimmer and it was going to be quite the night.

The snog fest continued for quite awhile. Turning them back into the positions they were in before. Rimmer now lying underneath Lister coming up for air like a swimmer who’d misjudged the depth of the pool. Lister’s shirt had come off quite a while ago leaving it in a puddle on the floor. Until Rimmer’s joined it. 

After the snog fest and everything else stopped for a moment. Lister lay next to Rimmer pulling his head onto his chest once more. “Rimmer?” Lister spoke up softly. “Yes” he replied still nuzzled into Lister’s chest. “It is too early to say I love you?”.   
“No I don’t think so” Rimmer responded. They stayed like that for a few hours before the snogfest continued once more turning into things Lister didn’t even think Rimmer would know. 

They were happy, they were safe and they were quite horny which Lister thought was the three best things they could be. And even though Rimmer would say it out loud he did agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised fluff! Here it is tooth rotting fluff.
> 
> Comments kudos and the like always welcome!


	7. War Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister and Rimmer stay close and the plan begins!

Lister had been thinking a lot in the moments he wasn’t being snogged senseless. Rimmer may be slightly less of a mystery in the childhood history department but he was still a mystery in almost every other sense. Apart from the stuff he knew which was that he could be a nightmare to live with but was surprisingly caring underneath it all. 

It was odd because Lister prided himself on having his heart on his sleeve. If people knew him they knew him inside and out. He didn’t hide things about himself. Thats how he tended to get in trouble in the first place. But then he’d never needed to. 

But Rimmer was the perfect opposite. Someone he’d known for ages who barely dropped anything about himself. Kept it all tucked away as if it didn’t exist. He’s tucked himself so far away from everyone that he had no one around him except those that had to be. It had taken Lister a long time to even find out he had brothers or even a family. It was two months before he found out he was from Io. He’d never even met someone from Io before he met Rimmer. 

He was woken from his reverie by a very tired but very happy looking Ionian. “Good Morning” Rimmer said in a way that he said it every morning. In fact it was so normal sounding that it actually made Lister giggle a bit. “Good morning sir” he replied jokingly whilst Rimmer lovingly eye-rolled at him and got out of bed.

Lister watched him busying about the bunk room. As he tidied up the clothes off the floor, got dressed, looked in the mirror and then started laying out breakfast. The kettle burbling in the background. It was all very domestic and Lister realised it had been for a while. 

Lister too got out of bed, reaching for his boxer shorts and sat at his chair at the table. He listened to Rimmer humming the same boring hammond organ music to himself as he brough two cups of tea over in their specific mugs. 

Lister realised Rimmer’s was just a boring JMC one that would have to change he thought to himself.Lister’s was a picture of him, Peterson,Chen and Selby at an arcade and It was a birthday present from Chen. He was slowly realising that while Rimmer had things none of them had any meaning. It had all been scrubbed away. 

Rimeer sat down reading his War book yet again and it almost felt like nothing had changed apart from everything had. Lister poured himself some chocolate comets and poured Rimmer some too. “You can keep your chocolate cardboard to yourself thank you” Rimmer protested. Lister didn’t say anything back just poured milk on both bowls and looked at Rimmer closely. 

“You need the energy and you need to eat properly, I’m gonna be checking on ya” Lister declared. Rimmer rolled his eyes yet again “i’m not a child”.  
“No and you weren’t really one to begin with were you so come on please for me”Lister replied making his eyes as big as possible. And then as if a miracle had happened Rimmer sat there and ate his cereal. Lister did too. They sat and ate in companionable silence only punctuated by sips (and Lister’s slurps) of tea and occasional pages turning in Rimmer’s book. 

“So” Rimmer started finishing his cereal “how are you little friends planning on getting back at my family as you put it?”. He put the bookmark carefully in his book . Lister put his spoon down and pondered the question “we hadn’t really got there yet but I think it was gonna be scamming for money prank calls that sorta thing. Unless Peterson decided to fin ‘em and beat ‘em up, he does that sometimes”. “Riiight” Rimmer drawled “so when he’s not completely drunk he engages in vigilante-ism”. “Not quite” Lister smiled”he does that while drunk”. The two laughed. Lister reached across the table grabbing his hand. 

“The boys will be up at 10” Lister stated with heavy intent. “Is that so” Rimmer replied smiling to himself. “Thats Three hours” Lister replied. “What ever are we going to do with that” Rimmer replied. He knew exactly what they were going to do with it.

It was exactly ten o clock when there was a little knock at the door followed by two more and the door unlocked revealing Selby,Chen and Peterson. They were more than a little surprised to find (both fully dressed at this point) Rimmer and Lister sitting at the table inviting them in. Well Lister invited them Rimmer just sort of looked at them and put the kettle on declaritively.

“Relax guys he knows we know” Lister said sensing the tension in the room. “What?” Peterson looked shocked “why, we never said that was part of the plan. That’s another share of the money and he might tell ‘em”. Selby and Chen looked at Peterson like he’d grown two heads.  
It was Rimmer broke the silence “my mother writes to me once a month where we pretend everything is fine and I’m high up in the space corps. I lie to her and she lies to me. The amount of truth contained is small and my brothers mostly forget to write, you are in no danger in me saying anything to them frankly between you and me anything you can do to annoy those stuck up smeggers would make my day”.

They nodded. Peterson apparently accepting sat on the floor and the others joined them, Lister moving to sit on Rimmer’s bunk whilst Rimmer made the tea filling up their mugs and using the spare ones they had. With everyone having a cup of tea and Rimmer now sitting slightly apart from Lister they hatched a plan.

It involved Rimmer’s address book and telephone book,16 phone credits, and the possibility of Peterson ending up in a space corp jail. All in all they had a very good plan indeed. The crux of the plan was starting it straight away as this was the time that Uncle Frank would be on a particular outpost that they were about to stop at on restock. This bit was Peterson’s job. The phone calls home would be Selby,Chen Peterson and Lister’s job.

After finishing their tea and each being told to put their mugs in the sink thank you very much they departed to the library to start the plan. No one would notice during the day that they were off sick or off shift and no one would care. Day time was the best time to get up to mischief especially when they were docking. No one noticed docking day times especially on one where no one could get off and it was just restock. People were too bored and annoyed they couldn’t go off ship. They would notice 5 men getting revenge for one slightly irritating man. Hopefully.

As they got to the library they knew the plan was gonna go off without a hitch. They only had a an hour to get it underway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know I just made this a ten chapter fic but the plan ended up being far bigger and needed more room. This chapter was massive so i've split it. I think it will work anyway and you get more fluff and revenge antics. It's a win!
> 
> Anyway comments and kudos are always welcome and thank you to everyone who's read it so far!


	8. Prank Calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Plan begins in the library.   
> (note I know this is posted on a weird day hope you don't mind the change in schedule!)

The library computers were empty bar Rimmer. The phones however were busy with three men sending various messages to Rimmer’s Mum and Dad. “yes ma'am this is just to let you know your moldovian lap dancing class has been cancelled” Lister called down the phone through giggles. They’d gone for the classics, lots of fake test results for various nasty stds, personal information baiting and winding them up with questions about off planet car insurance. 

Peterson though was about to drop the clanger. The absolute winner. The prank call to end all prank calls. Peterson was about to pretend to be the press. Lister actually called Rimmer over for this one who locked his computer (halfway through his letter to take down the photos) and pulled up a chair. Lister lent over him close enough that both Selby and Chen had definitely noticed. Chen sort of smiled to himself. Peterson had definitely noticed but was busy checking his cover story as the phone rang. 

“Hello, Rimmer residence this isn’t about insurance is it we have had enough of those today” A strict male voice said over the phone disgust lacing every word. “Thats my dad” Rimmer mouthed at Peterson confirming something that didn’t need confirmed. Lister instinctively grabbed Rimmer’s hand holding him close like he could break any moment. 

“Mr Rimmer, This is the Ionian gazette we are spotlighting incredible patriots like yourself and your family and was wondering if I could have but a minute of your time”. Peterson had been practicing his posh voice for some time and it was very good.

They could hear Mr Rimmer perk up over the line “why yes of course its nice to know good old fashioned Ionians with good values are finally being spotlighted” He blustered. 

Peterson prepared himself he’d got the script ready. The others watched intently like they were watching a prize fight where they’d both got in the ring. This was going to be good.

“So firstly just a little bit about your family. I understand you weren’t space corp yourself but have done much for them over the years, shaping young minds”. Peterson smiled this was the beginning of an elaborate plan. 

“Why yes I work at Io Polytechnic I retire this year after 40 years of stirling service. Turning the men into boys ready to go into the Spacecorp and the women ready for housework and cleaning and the like. I’ve never thought much about women joining the Space corp myself so I make sure none of my female students join” Mr Rimmer was sounding more and more pompous the more he spoke. Rimmer could imagine him swelling with pride like a large balloon. Maybe he’d drift out of the house and be stuck to the top of the family dome for all eternity. 

“Fantastic sir, we hate women at work her at the gazette we believe they are home makers” Peterson affirmed skillfully “now what of your own children I hear they are all incredible young gentlemen”.

“Oh yes” Mr Rimmer said pompously “my three sons are all at the forefront of the space corp. Frank just got married don’t you and of course to an Ionian woman in a church. I have none of that foreign religion and you know what I think of marriage man and woman or not at all we can’t be giving pansies rights or who knows what would happen”. Mr Rimmer finally let out a breath. 

Selby and Chen all stared at Peterson. He was getting ready he could see it. Lister however was staring near intently at Rimmer. So intently that he was now essentially sitting on Rimmers lap. Holding him close. Holding back Rimmers hand from scratching his arm. 

“Ah three sons, interesting I heard there was a fourth” Peterson said straightforwardly. “At least there was in the court documents Mr Rimmer”. The other side of the call went quiet “what do you want?” Mr Rimmer spat out.   
“Money” Peterson said quietly “money and we won’t run the story about how one of Io’s most religious, space corp supporting family tortured their last child to the point where he divorced you and then paid off the right people so that you wouldn’t go to jail. I’m sure my readers would find this interesting”.  
Mr Rimmer replied “he was a little queer. A know nothing little shit, we did good in getting rid of him, He stained the family name”.  
“Is that your official statement?” Peterson replied calmly.  
“How much do you want?” Mr Rimmer replied tritely.  
“Five thousand dollar pounds and we won’t run the story, transfer it to this bank account now” Peterson instructed.   
A few minutes passed “It’s done” Mr Rimmer said “I don’t want to hear from you again”. Chen quickly checked the spare accounts bank balance, it had indeed gone up five thousand dollar pounds. Peterson ended the call “pleasure doing business with you, you abusive prick” and he hung up.

Peterson stood around the phone for a minute feeling very smug and full of himself. Selby and Lister (now off Rimmer’s lap) were now discussing which one of them agreed to make the spare bank account, when it was and why it was a great idea. Selby believed it was him, two years ago and that it was for things like this. Lister however knew it was him, two and half years ago and it was for lottery wins to be split across them so far it had barely been used. Lister was right. 

It was Chen who was studying Rimmer’s face and put an arm on his shoulder “hey man, for what its worth that man’s a bastard i’m sorry you went through that smeg and i’m sorry this had to be done in front of everyone lifes tough enough without it being performed in front of an audience”. Rimmers looked at him and replied quietly “thanks, I hope your cousin’s ok”. Chen sighed and rolled his eyes “Lister talks too much but don’t worry about him he’s fine, I’m gonna head off stay safe man and uh congrats on you and Lister finally getting over yourselves”. And just like that Chen walked away feeling happier about the whole situation and decided he was going to get a decent sleep even if it was during the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I know I don't normally post on a wednesday but I posted the last chapter quite late in the day and I felt like I wanted to chuck another chapter on at the normal time. 
> 
> Comments always welcome!


	9. Restock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Plan continues with a bang.

After Chen's departure Rimmer went back to the computer trying desperately to hammer out his letter to get his evidence photos removed from the internet. However he wasn’t really doing that. He was having a panic attack. His breathing was getting faster and faster. He hadn’t heard his father’s voice in years. Worse was that it took Blackmail for his Dad to even acknowledge his existence and even then his words about him stung. It brought back a thousand memories all of them bad. And Lister and the others had heard. What if Lister agreed with his Dad? He couldn’t concentrate anymore as he slumped over the desk.

Lister had noticed both Chen and Rimmer had left the group. Peterson only had 20 minutes to sneak off the ship and Selby was part of the plan too which left Lister alone.The first part had gone well he was pleased. It wasn’t until he checked by the computers that he saw Rimmer slumped over the desk. He ran over faster than he’d run before.

“Arn” he said tapping him quietly on the arm “Arn you alright?”. Rimmer looked up eyes red and puffy with tears “Do you believe what my dad says about me?”. Lister looked at him sadly and then put his arms around him “He’s just an abusive dickhead what he says don’t matter to me, how you are though that does although”Lister stopped looking at him with that little smile “he was right about one thing though” Rimmer looke dat him before twigging it “what would that be?” “Well” Lister said pulling him closer “you are gay otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation” . Rimmer smiled sitting up and kissing Lister sloppily, pulling back he smiled “yeah that bit always upset him the most I will admit don’t know why I ever bothered coming out to him thinking about it was never gonna go well”. “So…” Lister said “you need help finishing off this email then before we see what happens to Peterson”. Rimmer nodded after yet another passionate kiss. 

They had polished off the email relatively quickly and sent it off. Rimmer already knew what would happen they’d say of course you can have the pictures removed if you review all of them. He’s have to sit and stare at pictures of himself as a skinny, scared child and try not to vomit. But he’d never actually send the email before so it was a start. 

“What are you thinking Arn?” Lister asked quietly. “You know the email isn’t the start right. They’ll grant it on the condition I review every picture. It’ll be hideous. It;s why I’ve never done it before” Rimmer answered sadly. He felt tired. Lister smiled reassuringly “we’ll do it together, take breaks between it. We’ll manage. You’ll be ok I promise. I’ll look after you”. And in that moment Rimmer felt incredibly safe.

Meanwhile Selby was helping Peterson sneak off the ship over to the Space corps ship. It was very complicated and exactly the plan that happens when you aren’t sober. They knew exactly who they were looking for. He was a footnote in the court case. A small bit about the parents being negligible for allowing AJR to be assaulted by adults in the house. That person who had done so had been Frank Rimmer (known to Rimmer as Uncle Frank) a high up space corps officer so well loved his odious brother named his own son after him. He was also a nasty creepy monster that Rimmer hated. Lister had only heard Rimmer’s first kiss story once but had arranged with Peterson to give Uncle Frank the special treatment. 

Selby was now keeping watch by the Space Corps ship docking bay and Peterson was in position, chugging a hip flask. By now both Rimmer and Lister were by a window watching this happen. Lister hugging him so tight Rimmer was concerned he might burst.

Then the Space Corps Officers and Above door opened and out came Frank Rimmer followed. He was a tall brunette man in his early 60s. He stood there in the shiny uniform lighting up a cigarette as everyone else (bar Peterson and Selby) busied around him restocking. It was the perfect time for revenge.

Peterson strolled over with purpose. “Hello sir, JMC just checking are you the superior officer Frank Rimmer” he said declaratively. “Why yes I am” Frank replied cordially “do I need to sign anything” “No sir” Peterson said before punching him in the crotch and then grabbing him by the shoulder and punching him square in the face. “You little fuck” Frank screamed as Peterson legged it. Selby hit the fire alarm in the scuffle Peterson and Selby snuck back on board.

Lister and Rimmer doubled over laughing. It was perfect. A near poetic moment of pure justice. Selby and Peterson ran past giggling. Peterson hugged Rimmer jokingly. He stank of booze. “Thanks” Rimmer admitted quietly. “Your welcome todays been fun” Peterson replied “right me and Selby are off to Parrotts I assume you two are going back to your room and fuck right”. Selby lost it giggling and Rimmer went bright pink. “Is it that obvious?” Rimmer said innocently. “yeah “ Selby replied quietly. Lister smiled as Peterson threw a condom at him “you kids have fun” Peterson screamed grabbing Selby and heading towards the bar. Leaving Lister and Rimmer alone by the window standing very close to each other. Lister slipped the condom in his pocket and smiled at Rimmer “bunkroom?”  
The answer was swift. “Thought you’d never ask”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're so close to the end! My version of Peterson is that he's a bit of a bamf!  
> I hope you've all enjoyed it! Last chapter coming soon. 
> 
> Comments always welcome!


	10. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of a very successful plan Rimmer and Lister get to know each other a little better

It had been three weeks since the plan and whilst life wasn’t perfect. It was finally pretty great. It was another day off. Rimmer woke later than planned in fact everything had moved back somewhat their morning routines melting together to form something different, better and certainly more stable.There was a knock on the bunkroom door.

Rimmer got out of bed quietly as Lister continued to snore (he'd now migrated down to the bottom bunk with Rimmer which was pretty perfect). “Yes what is it”?” Rimmer whispered irritatedly as he unlocked the door. Peterson stood there smiling “mornin sleepin’ beauty still in bed anyway I went down to get post after pullin’ all nighter down Parrots and I checked the boys and Yours and Listy’s mail and there was one for you so I thought I’d bring it up for ya, looked important” Peterson handed over the envelope. It had an Ionian stamp on it. Very proper, Very important and very scary looking. 

Rimmer went pale as he stared at it. “Umm thanks Olaf” he said quietly. Peterson turned to leave “good luck mate I hope it's what you need from them alright, your not half bad Rimmer” as he left he reached and fluffed Rimmer’s already very fluffy hair. Rimmer rolled his eyes and locked the door again. 

By this point he heard stirrings from his bunk as Lister started to come round. He hadn’t turned around yet he was just staring at the Ionian seal like it would burst into flames if he looked away. It had been two weeks of Lister and Rimmer heading down to the library and going through every single evidence photo. It was hard, nasty, some of them Rimmer wouldn’t let Lister look at but others he’d lose it laughing over. “Look at John’s bowlcut” He’d say pointing at a family photo of all four brothers all seriously malnourished looking and Lister would pretend it was funny too but look a little queasy. 

But it was over now. He’d had a week off staring at himself. If he opened the envelope it might be un-over. He might have to start again. It made his arm feel itchy but he held it back .He’d had three weeks clear he could keep going. He was doing ok. Wasn’t he? He felt his anic coming back.  
By this point Lister was out of bed. Arms around him like a big cuddle monster. But Rimmer sat there terrified. “Smeg is that it?” Llister enquired now directing Rimmer back to his bunk to sit down. Rimmer nodded. 

“Can you open it or should I?” Lister questioned again calmly. Rimmer looked at him for a minute “what if its..” Lister stopped him with a kiss on the cheek. “We don’t have to open it now, in fact I’m gonna make a cup of tea and then we’ll open it ok, whatever the verdict I’ve got your back I promise”. Rimmer looked at him and nodded and as Lister went to make the tea still staring at the envelope. 

He couldn’t help himself he started to open it. Lister heard the envelope open but didn’t turn round figuring it best to give him a moment. He finished the tea as Rimmer had started to read the letter. Rimmer sat staring at it and then a small smile flickered on his face.

Lister put the mugs on the table and sat back next to him. “All good?” he asked. “very “ Rimmer’s smile seemed to take up the whole bunk room “they’re gone it’s over no one can find them online ever again”. 

The tea sat forgotten on the table as Rimmer pulled him in for a kiss. The sort that had a lot of meaning in it. The sort of kiss that was a thank you and a I love you and don’t you dare leave me all at once. 

“So anything you wanna do today” Lister said quietly”. Rimmer smiled “I have a few ideas” They kissed again.

Lister kissed back just as passionately. He loved him completely and utterly. The letter fluttered to the ground forgotten. 

It may not have been perfect but it was pretty damn close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thats all she wrote folks! Thanks for everyone who enjoyed this story. Can't quite believe it's actually finished!  
> I'm writing another couple at the moment and if you want I may write a follow up
> 
> Comments are loved!


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